Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
