my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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