My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
