and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
my poor anus
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
