she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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