I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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