Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I haven't been this sober since birth.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Randomize
