my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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