Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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