do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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