It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
