did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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