We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
