dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
