I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I want a musical about memes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
