The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
