when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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