Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
