she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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