I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
