His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
