I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
