I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he puts the penis in happiness.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
