Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
