im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you had me at cake vodka
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
