you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
