I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
