I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
