My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
