Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
