Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I will pee on everything he values.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
