in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
