You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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