the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
