the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
