Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
