There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
