i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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