my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
