I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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