Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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