The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize