well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
