Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
