I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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