who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
