My underwear smells like fireworks.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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