Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
