everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
