Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
