When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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