So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
