Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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