so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
