haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
