That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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