I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We are all done wearing pants today
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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