Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize
