I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
