dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm at about main and main street
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
