I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
