i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
