Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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