Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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