I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
