awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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