i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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