I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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