I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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